Day Four

So today was the fourth day of my fast.  I woke up very clear headed and refreshed at about 7 am, without the alarm.  Dang, that is pretty early for a Saturday.

Surprisingly, and now that I think about it, I did a ton of stuff today.  First, after I got up - I read the Good Book for a little while.  Something that I'm trying to incorporate into my life a little bit more everyday.

Then, I went back to sleep for a couple of hours - that was nice.  Afterwards, I woke up and got myself cleaned up and headed out to  a meeting.  It was pretty good and I think I got some good stuff out of it.  Afterwards, I drove over to the mall and bought some shoes.

I was looking for some nice Nike running shoes, that I could use as casual shoes - since the ones I had been sporting were all raggedy.  I went into just about every shoe store they had, looking for the perfect pair.  Oddly enough I found them at Dillard's.

Afterwards, I drove home. I ran into my parents and we had a little visit in a parking lot from the seat of our cars, as they were running.  It was like when you see two cops chatting it up from their squad cars in a parking lot somewhere - it was exactly like that.  They gave me the business card to an individual they know - who apparently would be interested in meeting me and perhaps hiring me.  Or some such thing - I don't know what to think of it.

Then, I finally got home and went about going through my mail and cleaning up the front of my house as best as I could.  When I was taking a little break - my friend Cindy texted me - we agreed that it was such a beautiful day and we made immediate plans to head to the driving range.  

After the range, I got home, jumped in the shower and went to confession at Holy Spirit - something I had not done in over four years.  After that, I dipped into this religious paraphernalia store and bought a Rosary.  

After that, I went to Mass at OLS.  It was actually a pretty darn good mass.

After that, I chaired the Group Conscience meeting at my meeting place.

After that, I came home and have been reading and whatnot.

Now, my good friend is going to come over for a bit and we're going to shoot the shit.

Damn.  I cannot quite believe how many different things that I've done today.  And to be honest I'm not that tired yet.  Hunger is something that is mental.  

I am realizing that in those moments today when I've not had something to do - that's when my brain wants to "medicate" or distract itself with food.

How odd.

Things are going well into this Fast.

I am feeling OK.

Day Three

So I'm nearing the end of my third day of water fasting.  I am so glad that it is Friday, because I'll have a chance to rest these next couple of days.  In terms of how I feel, I have to say that everything is quite alright.  Hunger - if I can call it that, is really a mental thing at this point.

It is amazing how much time and effort I normally put into food, yet I hardly ever think about it.  On the other hand, during this fast period I find that time either moves at its normal pace, or it seems to slow down.  When I got home from work this evening, I kind of putzed around for a few minutes before I decided to take a nap.

When I woke up, it felt as if a long time had passed.  Come to realize it was only about 45 minutes.  In that moment I was in a sort of delirious state and I wandered into my kitchen - I was really almost convinced that it would be ok to grab a handful of peanuts and go to town on them.  Somehow, the thought occurred to me that I was probably still tired, so I went back to sleep instead.  

Upon awakening the second time, I felt much more refreshed and glad that I had not broken the fast.

** Disclaimer - earlier today, around three o'clock, I noticed that my breath was not very fresh.  I popped a stick of chewing gum into my mouth and chewed it for about 5 minutes.  I know that I definitely swallowed some of the sugary juices that come out of the gum.  An internet search showed some forums where people opined that chewing gum was definitely a breaking of the fast.  It kind of pissed me off and kind of disappointed me.

Naturally, my next thought was to think "fuck it" and go off to gorge myself on some tasty bread and cheese or whatever.  I was actually pretty torn up about the whole thing.  Little by little though, I came to realize that this was all a bunch of bull.  I could let myself get all bent out of shape about not being 100% perfect and canceling the whole deal -- or I could realize that I am an imperfect human being and just keep going - doing the best that I can.  

The 4 or 5 calories, that I may have consumed by swallowing the sweet juice of a stick of gum - is a ridiculous thing to let finish me off or dissuade me from continuing on this journey.

So - beyond that, I have been trying to get into the Word more, and to align myself spiritually with my Creator in the best way that I know how.  I'm hopeful that whatever comes out of this experiment will be for the good and for the advancement of my life to wherever He needs me to go.

That's it for now.

Peace.

The Fast - Day 2

So yesterday I started my fast.  I don't know exactly how long it will be, but I'm going to go as long as I can, up to 40 days.  I went to Mass at OLS with my friend.  She is the only person I think I've told about the fast, and my intention is to keep it that way.  

Today is day 2.  I'm halfway through it right now, and actually I feel pretty good.  Last night I had a bit of a headache all evening, which I attribute to the fact that I didn't have any coffee.  So far today I'm OK.  I slept pretty darn good last night.

When I woke up this morning, at around 7 am, I stepped out to my balcony and read a little bit and had a cigarette.  Then I went back inside and felt myself sleepy again.  Rather than jump in the shower, I decided it would be best to get a couple more hours, so that's what I did.

I got into work at 10 am and so far the day is going well.  My hope is that this good feeling continues and that I am able to direct my thoughts toward God more and more.  That's the plan so far.

In terms of weight loss, etc.  It's still too early for me to care about it.  I'm not keeping stats or making the mistake of becoming obsessed about it.  My body is going to do what it's going to do - and I'm prepared to just let it go at that.

In terms of mental state - like I said, I do feel good, but I know that it is more about taking it on a moment by moment basis, rather than trying to project into the future or worrying about situations that are not here yet.  It is best to live in the now and realize that whatever needs to come to pass will totally come to pass.  I'm prepared to accept whatever comes out of this experience - I hope.

Beyond that, life is actually pretty good today.  It is a beautiful day in McAllen and there are a lot of things happening in the background of my life which I'm happy to watch unfold.

Thanks to God, all is well.  I know that if I keep my thoughts and my spirit directed towards him, then there is nothing that I can't handle or do.

OK, so that's it for now. Peace.

Towards Something

Today I'm moving towards something that I cannot describe.  I had my last full meal a few moments ago and it was pretty good.  To the naked eye it must seem that nothing is going to change, but I'm looking forward to an internal cleansing that will test me on levels heretofore unknown.

I'm sitting on two weeks of an experiment that I don't know when will end, yet the daily victories are something that I'm relishing in every single morning when I wake up.  It is indeed a good feeling to think that for the first time in my life, I'm taking it seriously and perhaps actually feeling a little more whole.

The other thing to note is that tomorrow I'm starting my fast.  The goal will be to have it be whatever it needs to be.  In my mind I'm striving for forty days.  That is indeed a long time to go on a water fast, but in the end (whenever that end is) I suspect that I'll have had an experience that I've never had before.

Time has come for this kid to get down to causes and conditions, which more than anything means that it's high time I reduce things out to my Maker and me.  I will hopefully get something of an insight into how real that relationship can really be.  Can I get through the monotony and boredom and selfishness of thinking only about my flesh?  Can I return to the source energy patiently over and over again confident that all will be revealed in due course?

Is this weird?  Is this something that I can achieve by myself?  Do I have the answers to those questions today?  Do I already know that the answer does not really matter at this point and that there isn't really a destination, but only the journey?

I'm a little bit crazy perhaps.  Or on the other hand, this may be the most compelling thing that I've ever done in my life.

This is someplace that I need to be, this is something that I need to do. This feels right, in spite of the fact that I'm also hoping to lose a few dress sizes along the way too.  Ha!

I suppose its better to say that I'm hoping to lose that of me which is unnecessary and superfluous.  That those aspects of me and within me which count for the least, which are the most expendable, yet easiest to accumulate - that all of me which is dispensable may leave and be consumed in an internal fire that burns away that which I do not need.  That the pain and monotony and fear that comes with stepping into a difficult terrain serve me and be of some benefit.  This is my hope and this is my faith today.

I'm scared, and unsure of myself.  Which is all the more reason to focus on the surest thing in this entire universe.  And to keep returning to that Spring over and over again.

If this does not make sense, don't worry about it... It was just a snapshot of one life quietly unfolding in the early 21st century.

Peace Child.  Don't be afraid.