Towards Something

Today I'm moving towards something that I cannot describe.  I had my last full meal a few moments ago and it was pretty good.  To the naked eye it must seem that nothing is going to change, but I'm looking forward to an internal cleansing that will test me on levels heretofore unknown.

I'm sitting on two weeks of an experiment that I don't know when will end, yet the daily victories are something that I'm relishing in every single morning when I wake up.  It is indeed a good feeling to think that for the first time in my life, I'm taking it seriously and perhaps actually feeling a little more whole.

The other thing to note is that tomorrow I'm starting my fast.  The goal will be to have it be whatever it needs to be.  In my mind I'm striving for forty days.  That is indeed a long time to go on a water fast, but in the end (whenever that end is) I suspect that I'll have had an experience that I've never had before.

Time has come for this kid to get down to causes and conditions, which more than anything means that it's high time I reduce things out to my Maker and me.  I will hopefully get something of an insight into how real that relationship can really be.  Can I get through the monotony and boredom and selfishness of thinking only about my flesh?  Can I return to the source energy patiently over and over again confident that all will be revealed in due course?

Is this weird?  Is this something that I can achieve by myself?  Do I have the answers to those questions today?  Do I already know that the answer does not really matter at this point and that there isn't really a destination, but only the journey?

I'm a little bit crazy perhaps.  Or on the other hand, this may be the most compelling thing that I've ever done in my life.

This is someplace that I need to be, this is something that I need to do. This feels right, in spite of the fact that I'm also hoping to lose a few dress sizes along the way too.  Ha!

I suppose its better to say that I'm hoping to lose that of me which is unnecessary and superfluous.  That those aspects of me and within me which count for the least, which are the most expendable, yet easiest to accumulate - that all of me which is dispensable may leave and be consumed in an internal fire that burns away that which I do not need.  That the pain and monotony and fear that comes with stepping into a difficult terrain serve me and be of some benefit.  This is my hope and this is my faith today.

I'm scared, and unsure of myself.  Which is all the more reason to focus on the surest thing in this entire universe.  And to keep returning to that Spring over and over again.

If this does not make sense, don't worry about it... It was just a snapshot of one life quietly unfolding in the early 21st century.

Peace Child.  Don't be afraid.